Wedding Crasher Quotes

Matt Coddaire forwards these memorable quotes from Wedding Crashers. What’s your favorite? Personally it’s tough to beat:
John Beckwith: You look beat. Soft mattress?
Jeremy Grey: Soft mattress? Yeah, it could have been the soft mattress. Or the midnight rape. Or the nude gay art show that took place in my room last night. One of those three probably contributed to the lack of sleep.


Jeremy Grey: Tattoo on the lower back? Might as well be a bullseye.
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John Beckwith: I’m not asking you to marry me. I’m asking you *not* to marry
*him*!
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John Beckwith: I have a better idea. Throw an interception to Claire, get
her feeling good about herself. You think you can do that?
Jeremy Grey: John, I was first team All-State. I can put the ball anywhere I
want to. I’ll make it rain out here.
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Jeremy Grey: Oh, that’s great? Why don’t you feed me to the lions? Step on
my head when I am drowning.
John Beckwith: What?
Jeremy Grey: What do you mean what? What a great friend. John, you have a
wedding and a reception to seal the deal. There’s no overtime.
John Beckwith: No overtime. Yeah, well what about the Chang wedding three
years ago. 2 am in the middle of the night. You drag me to watch some chick
play Mah-Jongg with her grandmother? In a retirement home.
Jeremy Grey: Completely different situation. She was a very family-oriented
girl. They are all very family-oriented.
John Beckwith: Yeah.
Jeremy Grey: That was my first Asian!
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Jeremy Grey: Share that with the Dalai Lama, jack ass!
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Hindu Woman: [while dancing at a wedding reception] French Foreign Legion?
John Beckwith: Yeah, we lost a lot of good men out there.
[cut to another reception]
Bridesmaid: Mount Everest?
Jeremy Grey: I don’t want to talk about it because we lost a lot of good men
out there.
[cut to another reception]
Bridesmaid: Playing with the Yankees?
John Beckwith: Yes, we lost a lot of good men to trades and unruly fans.
Look I don’t want to talk about it. I’m sorry.
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John Beckwith: Hey, listen. What angle are you going to play here?
Jeremy Grey: I am going to go with the balloon animal display. For the kids.
And then when she comes near, guess who is the broken man, haunted past? How
about you?
John Beckwith: I am going to go dance with the little flower girl. Oh, and I
might be a charter member of Oprah’s book club.
Jeremy Grey: It’s all deadly.
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Bratty Kid: I want a bicycle.
Jeremy Grey: Listen, a bicycle is going to take a lot of balloons and
frankly, uncle Jeremy is a bit tired. How about I make you something else?
Bratty Kid: I just want a bicycle!
Jeremy Grey: Why… why are you yelling at me?
Bratty Kid: Make me a bicycle, clown!
Jeremy Grey: All right, I’m going to make you a bicycle. But I don’t want to
make you a bicycle.
Bratty Kid: Shut your mouth, funny guy, and make it.
Jeremy Grey: [later] Take that, you hyena, don’t say thank you.
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Secretary Cleary: You know she is not just another notch on the old belt.
Jeremy Grey: I don’t even wear a belt… Beltless.
Secretary Cleary: I am a very powerful man.
Jeremy Grey: Yes, you are.
Secretary Cleary: See you for dinner.
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Jeremy Grey: Todd, I notice you haven’t even touched your food.
Todd Cleary: I don’t each fish or meat.
Grandma Mary Cleary: He’s a homo.
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Claire Cleary: Actually Todd is an amazing painter. He goes to the Rhode
Island School of Design.
John Beckwith: Wow, RISD, that’s awesome Todd. Well done!
Todd Cleary: Yeah, Dad, Dad always thought I would be a political liability
in case he ever ran for President.
Secretary Cleary: Now, now Todd. Actually polling shows that most people
would ultimately be empathetic with our situation.
Todd Cleary: What is our situation, Dad?
Grandma Mary Cleary: You are a homo.
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Gloria Cleary: That was awesome.
Jeremy Grey: Yeah, that was. We should get back. They’ll be looking for us.
Gloria Cleary: I always knew my first time would be on a beach.
Jeremy Grey: [stunned] First time? You’re a virgin?
Gloria Cleary: Mm-hmm.
Jeremy Grey: Wow.
Gloria Cleary: Jeremy, we are going to be so happy together.
Jeremy Grey: [bewildered] I’m sorry?
Gloria Cleary: I love you.
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Jeremy Grey: I’m getting married.
John Beckwith: Get out!
[points at the door]
Jeremy Grey: JohnÅ 
John Beckwith: Kindly leave!
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John Beckwith: I’d like to be cowboys from Texas or pimps from Oakland but
it’s not Hallowe’en. Stop messing around; Peter Pan, Count Chocula.
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[talking at the dinner table about Franklin Roosevelt]
Grandma Mary Cleary: But that wife of his, Eleanore…big dyke! A real rug
muncher. Big lesbian mule.
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[on a quail hunt]
John Beckwith: [whispering] I don’t even know what the fuck a quail is!
Jeremy Grey: [whispering] I know. Why do I have to be in camouflage? Is the
big bad quail gonna get me?
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John Beckwith: Rule No.5: “You’re an idiot”
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Sack Lodge: Claire, you get your fucking ass on that altar right now!
John Beckwith: Wow, we’re getting a great preview of what marriage is gonna
be like with Ike Turner over here.
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Jeremy Grey: [on the phone with Gloria] Okay, now I want you to take off
your panties, ball them up, and put them in your mouth. Oh, yeah…
[John walks in]
Jeremy Grey: And, um, yeah. That sounds agreeable, Larry. I call you back
next quarter.
[hangs up]
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Jeremy Grey: Please don’t take a turn to negative town.
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Jeremy Grey: Go out there and get some strange ass!
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Janice: I’ve got the perfect girl for you!
Jeremy Grey: [sigh] Janice, I apologize to you if I don’t seem real eager to
jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call
dating. I don’t like the feeling. You’re sitting there, you’re wondering do
I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking
enough, am I interested I’m not really interested, should I play like I’m
interested but I’m not that interested but I think she might be interested
but do I want to be interested but now she’s not interested? So all of the
sudden I’m getting, I’m starting to get interested… And when am I supposed
to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it’s awkward, it’s
like well goodnight. Do you do like that ass-out hug? Where you like, you
hug each other like this and your ass sticks out cause you’re trying not to
get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don’t
kiss them at all? It’s very difficult trying to read the situation. And all
the while you’re just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to
make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called “just the tip”.
Just for a second, just to see how it feels. Or, ouch, ouch you’re on my
hair.
Janice: Okay…
Jeremy Grey: OK, can you, can you put that so he can’t see it? Thank you.
Hey, Janice… great talk.
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Jeremy Grey: I feel so tiny in your arms.
Guest at wedding: How tall are you?
Jeremy Grey: Six foot five, but I feel like I’m four feet.
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Jeremy Grey: Are you kidding me? I love crab cakes! They’re phenomenal!
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Jeremy Grey: Phenomenal finger food!
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Jeremy Grey: These bacon-wrapped scallops – phenomenal!
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Jeremy Grey: You and I both know I’m a phenomenal dancer!
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John Beckwith: Get up, you’re making us look like pussies.
Jeremy Grey: If I had any air in my lungs I’d scream at you.
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Jeremy Grey: [speaking to the priest] This girl’s fit for a strait-jacket. I
mean she’s three ways fucked to the weekend. But you know what, Father? I
dig it!
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Jeremy Grey: She’s not answering your calls, not replying to your letters.
God only knows what happened to the kitten you got for her. ‘Cause you know
she didn’t keep it, and I know you’re not raising the goddamn thing.
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[after Sack outruns John and scores a touchdown]
Jeremy Grey: What happened?
John Beckwith: I think he’s on steroids. It’s like trying to cover a fucking
race horse.
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[Jeremy’s hands and feet are tied to the bed]
Secretary Cleary: Are you okay in here?
Jeremy Grey: I was just having a bad dream.
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Jeremy Grey: [quarterbacking a touch football game] John! Red seven!
John Beckwith: I don’t know what red seven means.
Jeremy Grey: Hot route!
John Beckwith: I don’t… What is hot route?
John Beckwith: Will you just go stand on the other side please?
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John Beckwith: Mrs. Cleary…
Kathleen Cleary: Kitty Kat.
John Beckwith: Kitty Kat, I’m sorry, but are you out of your fucking mind?
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Jeremy Grey: [smacks his butt] Watch me take this on down the road.
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Jeremy Grey: I hope you flip your bike over and knock your two front teeth
out! You selfish son of a bitch! You leave me in the trenches taking
grenades, John!
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Jeremy Grey: I’m gonna go see Dr. Finklestein and I’m gonna tell him we have
a whole new bag of issues. We can forget about mom for a while.
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John Beckwith: We’re getting a nice preview of what marriage is gonna be
like with Ike Turner over here.
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Jeremy Grey: Rule #1: Never Leave a Fellow Crasher Behind.
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John Beckwith: You know how they say we only use 10 percent of our brains? I
think we only use 10 percent of our hearts.
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John Beckwith: [introducing himself at a wedding reception] Sanjay Collins.
Jeremy Grey: Chuck Vindaloo. Excited to be here.
[cut to another reception]
John Beckwith: Seamus O’Toole.
Jeremy Grey: Bobby O’Shea.
John Beckwith: I’m ready to get drunk!
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[last lines]
Claire Cleary: We’re a folk singing group from Salt Lake City.
Gloria Cleary: Yeah!
Jeremy Grey: Yes, we are.
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Jeremy Grey: It feels so good when he jokes.
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John Beckwith: Claire’s mom just made me feel her hooters.
Jeremy Grey: So, you gonna complain everytime some hot older broad makes you
feel her up? Stop crying like a little girl.
John Beckwith: I wasn’t crying like a little girl.
Jeremy Grey: Why don’t you try getting jacked off under the table in front
of the whole damn family? Then you’ll have something to complain about. They
look pretty good, are they real? They built for speed or for comfort? What’d
you do? You motorboat ’em? You played the motorboat
[makes sputtering motorboat noise]
Jeremy Grey: You motorboatin’ son of a bitch, you old sailor!
John Beckwith: What’s wrong with you?
Jeremy Grey: What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with you?
John Beckwith: [starts walking away] Nothin’. I’m going for a walk.
Jeremy Grey: [snidely] Well, have fun. I’m gonna go ice my balls and spit up
blood.
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Todd Cleary: I made you a painting.
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Chazz Reinhold: Yeah, her boyfriend just died. In a hang-gliding accident!
What an idiot! What a loser!
[sarcastically imitating dead boyfriend]
Chazz Reinhold: “Hey, I’m hang-gliding! Aaaahhh! Take a picture, honey, I’m
dead!
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John Beckwith: [about Chaz] He lived with his mom till he was forty! She
tried to poison his oatmeal!
Jeremy Grey: Erroneous! Erroneous! Erroneous on both accounts!
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Chazz Reinhold: Grief is nature’s most powerful aphrodisiac.
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John Beckwith: [after Jeremy gets violently tackled to the ground] You were
awesome… she’s buying it, now quit messing around and get up.
Jeremy Grey: [after getting the wind knocked out of him, whispering] I’m not
messing around, I cant breathe.
John Beckwith: Oh, come on, now you’re just milking it.
Jeremy Grey: [looks up in disgust, still whispering] I hate you.
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[in a speech at a wedding, quoting what John Beckwith has just told her]
Claire Cleary: True love is the soul’s recognition of its counterpoint in
another.
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Jeremy Grey: I’m not going to apologize for being a cocksman.
[gets glares from wedding guests]
John Beckwith: [to wedding guests] Tourette’s.
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Jeremy Grey: Just a couple of kids who like to fuck, tryin’ to make an
honest, I get it…
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John Beckwith: I crashed a funeral today.
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John Beckwith: Don’t waste your time on girls with hats. They tend to be
very proper.
Jeremy Grey: Yeah? Well, the proper girl in the hat just eye-fucked the shit
out of me.
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John Beckwith: You look beat. Soft mattress?
Jeremy Grey: Soft mattress? Yeah, it could have been the soft mattress. Or
the midnight rape. Or the nude gay art show that took place in my room last
night. One of those three probably contributed to the lack of sleep.
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Todd Cleary: Jeremy tried to seduce me! I want my painting back!
Jeremy Grey: The painting was a gift, Todd. I’m taking it with me.
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Jeremy Grey: Grab that net and catch that beautiful butterfly, pal!
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John Beckwith: I’m hanging by a thread. I’m reading don’t-kill-yourself
books.
Jeremy Grey: You said the book wasn’t yours.
John Beckwith: It’s not mine, but I read a few pages.
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Jeremy Grey: Okay, what’s our back story?
John Beckwith: We’re brothers from New Hampshire. We’re venture capitalists.
Jeremy Grey: I’m sick of that. Let’s be from Vermont. And let’s have an
emerging maple syrup conglomerate.
John Beckwith: Wait, that’s stupid. We don’t know anything about maple
syrup.
Jeremy Grey: I happen to know everything there is to know about maple syrup!
I love maple syrup. I love maple syrup on pancakes. I love it on pizza. And
I take maple syrup and put a little bit in my hair when I’ve had a rough
week. What do you think holds it up, slick?
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Mrs. Kroeger: You shut your mouth when you’re talking to me!
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Jeremy Grey: I got a stage five. Virgin. Clinger.
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Gloria Cleary: Don’t ever leave me!
Jeremy Grey: Ever…?
Gloria Cleary: ‘Cause I’d find you!
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Jeremy Grey: I felt like Jodie Foster in “The Accused” last night.
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Jeremy Grey: I don’t give a baker’s fuck!
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Jeremy Grey: Wow. Mr. Environmental is also a hunter. That’s an interesting
combination.
Sack Lodge: I hunt quail, Jeremy. They’re overpopulated in this region and
they’re decimating the grubworm population. You got a fucking problem with
that?
Jeremy Grey: Not as much as I do with your attire, or just your general
point of view toward everybody here. But hey, lets go kill some birds. I’m
psyched.
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Jeremy Grey: [about Gloria] She took me below deck for forty-five minutes. I
have no bodily fluids left in me.
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Secretary Cleary: It wouldn’t kill you to play some competitive sports, once
in a while.
Todd Cleary: [suddenly incensed] Would that make you love me?
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Jeremy Grey: A friend in need is a pest.
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Secretary Cleary: Well, the guy wants to run for president, he thinks Moby
Dick is a venereal disease.
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Jeremy Grey: Have you ever shot one of these things before?
John Beckwith: The whole 17 years we’ve known each other I’ve been sneaking
off to go on little hunting trips around the world. No, I don’t even know
what the fuck a quail is!
Jeremy Grey: I look totally ridiculous. Like why do I have to be in
camouflage? So the big bad quail doesn’t see me?
John Beckwith: I know. Why can’t we hunt something cool like a hawk or an
eagle, something with some talons?
Jeremy Grey: That’d be awesome. We could get something like big game. Even
like a gorilla or a rhinoceros or a fucking human being! That’ll get you
jacked up.
John Beckwith: That’s a little heavy.
Jeremy Grey: I mean like, hunt a human being right now, “Most Dangerous
Game”. Like a worthy adversary. Not a human being that’s armed, but a
clever, a clever, human being who knows the jungle. Or the woods.
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Todd Cleary: Let’s play tummy sticks.
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Chaz Reingold: I almost numchucked you, you don’t even realize!
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Chazz Reinhold: Mom! The meat loaf! Fuck!
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[Claire enters the bathroom and finds Sack vomiting in the toilet]
Claire Cleary: Honey, everyone gets vulnerable sometimes.
Sack Lodge: Well, can you get me some 7Up, because I think I’m about to get
vulnerable again!
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[seeing Gloria throwing a tantrum in front of her father]
Jeremy Grey: Looks like a little kid at Toys-R-Us.
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[after playing football]
Kathleen Cleary: Boy, it’s hot out here.
John Beckwith: Yeah.
Kathleen Cleary: You should’ve played in your underwear.
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Jeremy Grey: I can’t take any more of this fucking shit!
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Jeremy Grey: That glass looks half full to me, John.
John Beckwith: It is half full.
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[in a wedding toast, quoting what John has just told her]
Claire Cleary: True love is your soul’s recognition of its counterpoint in
another.

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