Lagerheads look to corporate naming for funds

lagercard_small.jpgPHILADELPHIA — Catchy nicknames for powerful hockey lines, such as the French Connection, the Production Line, the Legion of Doom, or the GAG Line, have almost gone the way of helmetless players. But The Philadelphia Lagerheads look to save them from extinction in a new fundraising ploy.
“Corporate naming rights,” says team rep Dean Kline from team headquarters with a puff of cigar smoke surrounding him. “That’s how we’re going to keep this franchise profitable.”
Outlined in a 4,000-word proposal to league officials, The Lagerheads plan to market individual players’ naming rights to corporations. In addition, and for a higher fee, corporations can buy naming rights to the line combinations. Kline added: “It works like this. We sell Bernie Gillespie’s name to Wawa. So when he scores, it’s announced as: ‘Goal by number 25 Wawa’s Bernie Gillespie. Assisted by ‘Tastykake Billy Mellisen and Valley Forge Brewing Brian Jones’”
And what about line combinations? Kline says, “Say we have Bernie, Billy, and Brian on a line. All their names start with a B. That’s got a real gay sound to it. So we sell the lines’ name to the biggest gay bar in Montreal. It’s announced as “Queerbaits Killer B’s score again.” Next thing you know, we got enough money for a charter flight.”

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